Blame

I talked to an older mom for a while. One I don't know very well and she really doesn't know me...but I could see the commonality between us. She had, of course, more years of experience (many more) and I was just starting out. However, the principles were the same.
Now looking back at my childhood...depending on what mood you catch me in or the topic, I can tell you it was heaven or hell.
I blamed my mother for years and years for being so cold... so uncaring and so absent. I felt abandoned and alone. I still do. There are some hours, days, months and even years I have really not liked her. I blamed her for the fact that I couldn't count on anyone... that no one cared enough about me to really make an effort unless something was in it for them... and for needing someone to love me so bad that I try to be more then what I am.
Now that I am an adult, I can look back a little different. I see that she worked ever hour she could. Sometimes she would work overtime... weekends...holidays and even a second job. She was always at work, on her way to work, or too tired from work. She couldn't make it to any functions at school...nor did I try for anything at school because 1) who would take me/pick me up and 2) who would see me.

Then, the mom in me kicks in.... and I sit here with tears in my eyes knowing that I was wrong. A wise women said "there comes a point in your life you have to stop blaming your parents for everything". She wasn't more correct!!!

My mom worked so much because my "father" (Jim) wouldn't. He never held a job longer then maybe 6 months to a year. He was too drunk or not there to clean the house or take care of anything for my mother. She couldn't count on anyone but herself. Do you have any idea how bitter and cold that would make someone. Suddenly, you throw kids in the mix. She had to worry about what bill to pay, if we could eat... if we could keep the lights on and still buy gas to get to work, and if her husband was out drinking up the last of the grocery money. Imagine all that pressure and having only one come up to you and ask you for your help. Even help with simple homework. OH Jim did cook... so that was one burden lifted off of her. However, I think he did it so he could pocket the money and budget it so that he had more pocket money for his extracurricular activities.
Depending on what day you ask me, I would tell you my mother never went to ONE thing I was in. Now, that wouldn't be true... It just seemed like that. She actually got off work early to go to my Kindergarten graduation, she saw me play a rodeo clown in my elementary play, watched me play volleyball in one of my junior highs and was there to nearly kick my 3rd grade teacher's ass for harassing me (my mom actually witnessed it).
I was sad that mom never really made an effort to keep our family close. We have family in Nebraska I can hardly remember. Well, then I found out from my Aunt that it was hard on my mother because they would give her such a hard time about Jim all the time, that she just stopped the communication. That I CAN understand!!

Now that brings me back to my point. You don't know what the future holds for these tiny gifts from God. I don't know what the HELL I am doing. There is no manual... no instruction...no one way that works. No one knows how to control these childern. However, borrowing from my childhood, Rick's childhood, friends and experts... we will do what we think is right. Now no matter what kind of life I provide for this kids they will never know the following:

They will never know the scarifies I have made for them, not only financially but in my heart. The way I will bite my tongue and let them live their own life and make decisions (right or wrong).
They will never know the pain I felt watching them walk away from me, tumbling as they learned to walk. Then falling and getting hurt, knowing that these few humble steps are the beginning of their Independence and a life separate from me.
They will never know what life was like before them, and after them... and how much quality they put in our quantity.
That their smiles could bring us to tears.
How punishing them made us sick, question our judgment, and our own skills.
That the temper tantrums and the back talk actually piss us off because they sound like US as kids (this one they will if they have kids heheheheehh)
When they come home with their first broken hearts... and I mean REALLY broken heart...how much more broken hearted we will be.... One because they are so sad, and two because we couldn't protect them.... oh and three because knowing that shooting the boy/girl for breaking up with them sounds like a great idea, but is actually illegal... and a little immoral (just a smidgen)

Parents do the best they can... at the time they can.... with the resources they have.
My mother wanted us to be strong, independent, intelligent, self-questioning, authority questioning and hard working women. Maybe she didn't do it the best way... and maybe her being cold was her way of covering the intense pain she was feeling so we could become those things mentioned earlier..... who knows. She isn't perfect... nor am I. My kids will probably hate me... blame me and tell me I never did enough for them. I will simple ask, "what is your basis of comparison?".

So in the end... I know Zack and Shelby will end up on a sofa telling the doctor how mean, horrible, selfish and unfair I was. They will do things they know to be wrong... then say it was because of Rick or I. I just have to bite my tongue... smile and hope that these intelligent kids one day have a kid JUST LIKE THEM... so they can see how hard it really is. The good and the bad.

Talking to my Aunt several years ago (pre-kids) I complained about the fact my mother was selfish, mean and unfair... she wouldn't let me get a class ring or go on my senior trip... that she wouldn't help me buy a car and everything was left up to me alone. My Aunt stopped what she was doing like she was hit with a brick.
She turned and looked at me and said, "you selfish little brat... you disrespectful, ungrateful little bit^#. How dare you say anything like that about your mother. You have no right and you have NO idea what the hell you are talking about so just shut up... you sound just like your father".
OH NOW THAT WAS IT. The gloves were off... don't ever call me my father!! Oh HELL NO.

Like a Rolodex full of wrong, I began to mentally list every single thing she failed me on... or didn't do... or didn't help with. I started to open my mouth to rebuttal... and then my aunt walked over to me.... I could see anger and hurt in her eyes. She had so much information hidden under all those red curls I could see I was in for it.

BOY did I get a tongue lashing... and I mean she cut me down so low I could sit on a dime and swing my legs! One thing she said stayed with me... and still to this day I don't think a day goes by I don't remember her words, "Your mother is so thin and so tiny because all she is eating is fold over Peanut Butter sandwiches so that your lazy ass can buy 20 bucks worth of food for lunch at school". OH MY GOSH... that hurt. I had NO idea.... she was pretty much barley eating so that I could buy lunch at school like the "other kids". My Aunt held a very large ugly mirror in front of my face. I saw so many things I didn't like... and a road I was heading down. I hated my Aunt for a long time after that.

It still took many years and becoming a mother to see the big picture...but I see it... and I am sorry Ma'ma. I should never have seconded guessed your intentions. You did what you felt was best... and I love ya.

ONE caveat to this story... there are those parents out there that actually think they did no wrong... that everything is justified. I have no idea how to handle that type of person. I can tell you at LEAST 11 things I did wrong with Zack already and around 4 I have done wrong with Shelby... but hey my average is getting better, right. Too bad there are NO more kids!