HUMOR ME, watch Mommy Dearest and In The Motherhood Grocery Disaster.
I was so lucky today. I got a call from an awesome lady I will call her "Kate". "Kate" is one of those REAL moms. She doesn't try to put on this front that she has all the answers, her kids are perfect, she feeds them organic, they never cry, her house is spotless and she sits around reading to orphans. Trust me, when you are a stay at home mom, it's worse then the Olympics.
Working moms and stay home moms typically all do this simple thing...Oh when Jonny was 2 he already could read... Oh really well billy was reading in the womb. It's all ridiculous and means nothing. If the kid is steal breathing...well you have won 90% of the battle.
I was terrified to have kids because I couldn't even keep a plant alive. The cats survived because of Ricardo!!
Okay so this is what I am "supposed" to say to other mothers:
Oh well today was an amazing day. I woke up bright and early. I smelled the relaxing sent of lavender on my shirt and put it on. Did my yoga and had a quick bite to eat with some coffee. OH YES, with soy milk....organic of course...duh
Then the kids awoke singing my name with their beautiful voices. I made them breakfast. Yogurt and some cereal, a perfect balance of grain and protein. OH well yes it was organic and hormone free...no sugar or dyes! OH and I used recycled material for our family as well. Then we were off to the park to enjoy the day.
I met up with a darling friend of mine. Our little boys played exactly 1 hour and then we had educational time for 30 min. With a little bit of encouragement, both boys were ready to return home.
We stopped off to get a quick dinner. Yummy! In the car we took an opportunity for more enrichment and bonding time.
Okay so this is what REALLY happened.
I jumped out of bed because I heard Shelby starting to wake up. NO WAY!!! I need my coffee. OH MAN, where are my house cloths...How in the world they made it that far under my dresser I have no idea. I had to do this weird contortion thing to reach my yoga pants... AH, yoga! As I put my shirt on, I had to sniff test it to see if this was one of the ones Shelby spit up on.
I ate yogurt out of the tub because I didn't have a clean bowl to put it in or time to eat it properly anyway. As I gnawed on a banana, I waited for my coffee to brew. CRAP, I need to make a bottle. Made the bottle.....COME ON COFFEE...COME ON!!! Okay let me hurry up and drink this...OUCH it's still hot. Okay cup...where is my cup... where did I put my darn cup. OH, there it is by the bottle I was supposed to be making!!! What in the hell is this growing in this cup back here (organic). YYYYUUUUUCCCCKKKK. Can't have a hot cup of anything around Shelby. chug chug chug chug (not just a college game anymore) chug chug that coffee down. Okay run in grab the screaming princess from her bed. Pop a bottle in her mouth so I can sit down and nurse my burned tongue. AHHHHHHH, silence! MMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY
OH NO, Zack's up early. Okay, I can do this. Put baby in rocker with the belt on, go in the fridge and get Zack's yogurt. I am going to put your cereal in a plastic cup from your birthday party! hahhahha REDUCE REUSE RECYCLE! Off to drop Zack of at school (got to leave this part out of your first story...the other mother's will ask why he is in Mother's Day Out). Then after school rush to the park for our playdate. YEAH, it's with the rocking cool mom I know from Zack's school. Zack has to pee... now. AWESOME! After locating a nice outdoor place for my son to ummmm.... study in. Just in time for the school buses to let the kids out, right on the street that faces the park and Zack's "Study Spot". We sat and chatted while the boys chased each other around and played. My daughter ate sand, dirt and I think something that looked like a leaf when it came out the other side. SEE organic again! Got to chat with Rockin' cool mom about our lives and enjoy adult time. The boys played with sand, rock's and sticks,for about 30 min so there is our educational time.
Bribed my son to get him to leave. This was after saying we were leaving in 10 min for about 30min. We jump in the car covered in sand and dirt and head to McDonald's. Guy at the counter says, wow you look like you had a lot of fun. I turn to see both kids dirty, covered in sand and laughing at each other (Shelby and Zack).
On our way home, mommy smells something totally nasty. WHAT IS THAT! OH MAN, "Zack did you fart?". I already knew the answer. Then I had to explain where farts come from. Wow, who knew this would be such a hard one to explain. Give me the baby talk ANY DAY! Never tell Zack anything new and have no information to back it up with. Not sure where he got that from.
Okay so now you know the truth...and it will set you free. Once I found out that Kate and Rockin' cool mom have the same issues and lives I do, I noticed... SO DO THE OTHER MOM'S. I watched one of Zack's teachers from last session running after her daughter and caught her before she walked in front of a car. She watched her own kid and other people's kid like a hawk, but this one window of time and the kid booked it. I say she should go out for track in high school, scholarship material! I am sure there are those mom's out there with a house full of kids and a heart that is always singing. They never feel overworked, over tired and under appreciated. This isn't all moms...but it's dang near every one I know.
OH and I cling to the curse that jumps from generation to generation "one day you will have a child just like you!!!" and they will find themselves saying the same things my mother's greatest grandmother said... Okay well going back that far, she probably didn't say much but the grunt was in a very strong tone!
2 comments:
Funny stuff - the whole "I have to be the perfect mom crap" is what drove me nuts when I hung out with other stay at home moms. Working moms tend to be less like that - they are too busy to care about little stuff. I remember being at a mom outing when Kate was about nine months old. One mom was talking about how she only gave her daughter organic and all fruit, etc was stored in glass containers b/c plastic was bad. And this in addition to making her own baby food - seriously??? I wanted to throw up.
I truley wish I had the time and energy to do the whole "make your own food" thing. I know it saves a ton of money...but come on! I have 8 loads of laundry because we have been so busy for the last 3 weeks. In my moms group, the moms would post what they ate all day. I didn't know this till after one of their "meet ups". They had breakfast taco's, well I had 2. They were really really small. I remember the moms looked at me like I ate a whole chocolate cake. Then I looked at their plates and saw nothing but fruit and granola. You know when they left there they headed straight to the nearest fast food place they could find. OH and one mom told me a few weeks ago, that Shelby isn't crawling because I am treating her like a baby....Um, yeah. Not sure what part of 8 months she was having trouble with.
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