SAD

I think any time someone hears of a young mother dying, the first question is "what about the kids?". The latest news of head injuries, plan crashes and cancer have just added to my worry. What about my kids!?!?!?! I know Ricardo will provide a great life for them...but what about a mother. We all watched as Princess Diana's coffin was carried by carriage to her final resting place. Her young sons walking behind, heart broken and alone. I don't think anyone looks more alone then when they loose their mother. Sure, for many girls, their dads hung the moon. There is no loss like a mom. Moms are the ones that make it all better. The ones that answer the phone at 3 am because you are sick, heart broken, or scared. They wash your face and put a cool washcloth on your head when your fever is so high you can't move. They hold you after that first broken heart and make your favorite dish...but what about when they pass? Who makes it better then? Who's arms can you collapse into when life has fallen apart? For most people, it doesn't matter what kind of relationship they had pre-death, but post death is like a black hole... sucking the life out of their broken body
I know when Awilda's mother died, a piece of her did as well. You could see it on her face when she arrived back from Puerto Rico. Yes miles separated them, and history, but they were always close and in total love. Rick and I talked about it, and at first I thought maybe it was the notion that she had lost both parents now. Reflecting, I just don't think that was it.
Now with the death of Richardson (head trauma) and Goody (cancer), I can't help but reflect on my own mortality. It will happen. No one gets out of this life alive...well until Rapture. The angel of death doesn't discriminate. It comes for Aunts, uncles, beloved grandparents, and friends. It can ravage a family to the breaking point.
By the grace of God, I pray that I am buried LONG before my children. That will be the greatest gift I could ever ask for. It's never a guarantee, and it's a fear we all live with.

It's funny, once walking across a parking lot... a car speed past. I squeezed Zack's little body against me. Out of fear, and panic that mother mode kicked in. I actually walked over to the man, who had missed us and another mother by only feet. He was complaing to the manager at Sam's about having to wait at the back loading dock for so long. I tapped him on the shoulder, still holding Zack. He spun around ready for a fight... and saw 2 pissed off mothers ready to rip his lungs out via his nose! Both me and the other mother tore into him. The customer service people even backed away from the counter. YES, this was pre-medication (LMAO). Looking back it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was that animal instinct to protect and punish those that would touch on hair on your child's head.
Who protects them when I am gone?
I dread the day that the Lord calls Rick's mother home. Typing this I can feel that lump in my throat. I don't dare even mention anything to Ricardo. His entire life would come crashing down the day that happens. I can't see life with out her. I know that the odds are against us. There will be no consoling Ricardo and no "it's going to be okay". His mother is his life, his breath and his sun. Yes, I know he loves us (kids and me)but there is no love that equals his for his mother. Trust me, I am okay with that. I kind of, selfishly, hope that Zack will love me the same...even after marriage. The down side of this is when that piece goes missing. It's like having a 1000 piece puzzle with 500 pieces missing... mainly the sides!
I never worry about the financial side of leaving my life, only the kids and Rick.

I hope and pray that Ricardo does remarry if I meet my early demise. I don't care if the women is ugly, pretty, skinny, old or hairy! I only care that she treats my kids better then I ever could. Just care for them, love them and protect them. I know reading this, and writing this, I may seem morbid...but again, none of us are getting out alive. You have to hope for the best, plan for the worst and see what falls in between!

Take time to bridge those gaps. Set aside the petty unhealthy obsessions and love like there is no tomorrow. Hug your mommy today...call her if it's been awhile. Just to say, "I don't have a lot of time to talk, but I wanted to say I love you". That isn't too hard is it? For now, I will can only worry about my life at this current moment. Not what the future hands me. I may get 40 years here or 100..but I am going to love these kids like their is no tomorrow...OH and create a Irrevocable Trust. That way no one has to inventory the items they want to take when I am on my death bed! What is that all about???